Damn.. When was the last time I tumblred. So wanna post a fucking awesome picture here but my phone isn’t configured to do that. Gonna enjoy the rest of my Norway trip, actually no. Its pretty strenuous and expensive.. So gonna blog when I get back to Sweden. I miss linkoping and friends alot.. But half of them are already gone. So much have happened this month, too much. But I know going back Singapore I will have serious withdrawal symptoms and miss all/some of my ridiculously gorgeous girlfriends. Haha

Europe is a fucking heaven, if beauty was a crime, they would all be guilty(life imprisonment?. If beauty was an inch you’d go for miles.

hahahahhah

After today, i am gonna revamp myself.

Its a promise between me and myself.

Make it happen. I will.

did-you-kno:

Source

The mystery is solved.

I almost forgot. 
That i have issues.
I dun beat myself up anymore.
I just forget.
Most of all, i make sure i dont have to remember them.
That way, you forget the pain.

I’ve changed.
Feelings are useless.
Abandon them.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3eqA9WK-i4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1IwLORkn4w

Tell me you didn’t cry after watching the 2nd video.
Go away feelings.
You are of no good to me.

I thought we have come to a consensus?

What are you doing right now?

Please

Feel no more

Think about me for once, not her

is a song by Low.

And it has come to a point that.. that the only time i stop thinking is when i’m sleeping.

The moment i woke up, everything starts pouring back in. It sucks so bad. I would force myself back to sleep so i don’t think bout it anymore. And writing this is the first thing i’m doing right now.

I dont wanna remind myself of what happened yesterday. I had so much fun, all of us did. Then just like how like, everything plummets. BAM and crushed and burned.

I am going ask what it was all about. About damn time i man up. I am manning up. This has to stop. Fuck. Been a puss for too long.

SEE ME THROUGH THIS

Today i learnt something new about myself.

I would keep smiling when things are really really really bad. Even now, i’m grinning from ear to ear. It scares me a little, but at least i am smiling

:DDDD

I am gonna make full use of it tomorrow.

Apparently people get so drunk and wasted on the cruise that its no laughing business.

I wasn’t really looking forward to it, but i’m gonna wear my facade tomorrow, pretend i am okay, and drink so fucking much because all i really want is to break down and cry.

But i have come to a consensus with self that from here on, i am gonna walk this road alone. It has always been this way from the start, just that occasional means of letting off some steam by sharing with friends proves to take my mind off things.

Though clearly this battle takes place within me all along. I can’t seem to convince myself at all. And today was evident, it was jealously. Well L, i don’t know how much the heart still craves for you but this morning i was pretty sure my heart was elsewhere and not with you anymore. 

Then i told myself that i am fully aware .. that seeing you with that ‘friend’ of yours is gonna make me so green with jealousy, one way or the other. I think i was right all along, I just don’t wanna admit that i am wrong, that i haven’t gotten my own ego, that i am infatuated with you, and the many things that i can’t bring myself to pen out because they have and always will be residing within me as my deepest darkest burdens.

Really, i fucking pray for the day i meet Medusa and instead of stoning the whole of me, stone this heart. Only then i can stand up and live my life. 

We caught 3 idiots together, But screw it, spare the details of tonight. No one is interested, not even me. Stay away, its whats best for you i swear. 

PLEASE, LISTEN TO ME ONCE.. *Oh god it seems like i’m breaking down by talking to myself. Haha i am fine, just helpless :/

I am totally cliquing so darn well with this girl.

Yea she’s pretty cool too, i knew she was trouble when i saw her. 

But whatever, I don’t want to feel anymore. I just hope L doesn’t screw me up royally tomorrow. Do something with that guy and make me jealous the slightest bit will get me to her bait again.

Please don’t..please

Thats life.

Moments ago, i was still having fun at a dinner party and afterwards, complaining to a friend about another friend for purposely posting unglamorous pictures of us instead of the nicer ones.

Then i got back and skyped with my mum, and she says my neighbour’s mum has 8 weeks left.

Yea she had pneumonia, and it got worst recently. When i left for Sweden 4 months ago, she got better, like normal better. Now she’s bedridden, went through chemo, bald. Apparently her brain is affected now and..

Yea 8 weeks left. I am 9 weeks from getting home. As much as i wanna stay in Sweden forever, i really wanna see her, or the last of her. 

The thing i can never accept in life is goodbyes. Because they suck so fucking bad. She watched me grow up man. Like f ing.. 

I played with HY since young. He flew back from the States to see his mum. I dun even know what to say to him now. HJ has to work and i dun talk to him that much. 

But fuck life, really. Fucking hell. I’m stumped.

Geo was saying how we would never see each other again after our exchange ends. Jenni was sad about that too. Of course, this is just like people dying. Yes they are alive, but we will probably never get to see each other again. That makes me extremely sad, and i come home to this. 

Eugene, screw your facebook pictures. The best part? I will wake up tomorrow to forget about this and when i remember i would be depressed again.

Stay safe, aunty. I am rooting for you. Fucking beat life man.

Wanna know a secret? My profile pic is a picture of me skydiving and on my left hand i made an reversed L for her initial.

Romantic? No. Creepy? Maybe. Lol i was intending to do my name out in letters with my fingers on my way down but the wind so too strong. And of course, her name as well. I had it all planned out and i have the DVD. But i couldn’t. All i did was L and i forgot to do E.

And fuck.

My friend got molested at a club. I blame myself for it. Because the whole time i was with them, sure enough, we were all wearing the same clothes so two groups of guys came up and asked it they could take pictures. I told them it was good fun and they should be spontaneous.

Until i excused myself to the toilet, met a few guys from Ireland who were clearly in love with me and didn’t wanted to let me go until D came to me and tell me E got molested and i was fuming. I excused myself politely and told them i had matters to attend to. Not to make myself sound super masculine but trust me on this, i raise to the occasion when i have to.

I felt responsible because shit happened when i left them to the toilet. If i were there, someone would be in the hospital or in the police station by now. She is thoroughly disturbed by it because she bends the other way. 

A walked with me to find the guy responsible and we found that douche, or someone that looks like him. I confronted him, honestly, picking a fight wasn’t the best idea so i just screamed at them if they did it. Because A couldn’t verify if it was him as well.

But it seems that it wasn’t him and i told him we’re cool and fuck it. Because shit gets serious when i get serious, i have a fucked up face when i dun smile and i must say i was pretty lucky these guys weren’t the aggro dickheads but i’m sure if i fought, i am fighting for a friend, i have nothing to lose and its worthwhile. I was ready.

Anyway the point of it wasn’t to pick a fight, it was to make her feel better. I was pretty tactless and confused because i had never allowed anyone to get molested that way in a club with him. Because any guy who has tried it before only touched any of my friend’s butt and i would bounce them out if they didn’t like it. Somehow guys are all douche, i would like to believe that i am not but if Linnéa ever gets intimate with me i duno if i can control myself.. i think i could, since i’m pretty decent.

Anyway tonight was fucked man. I just hope she can move on and we can enjoy the rest of the trip. I really hafta do more self reflection on this incident and also to make her feel better. 

Sigh..

No i am not gonna play this game with you.

I quit.

You win.

Have it your way.

If i ever get the chance to drink with you.

Be damn sure, BE F-ING SURE. I AM GONNA SAY IT OUT LOUD TO YOU SO I CAN WITNESS YOUR REACTION, THE TRUTH, WHAT RESIDES WITHIN.

Only then there would be closure. I needa find this opportunity damn it.

Holy fucking shit.

He scored.

I mean, we were both in similar situation but when i met his peer student, i know whats so different about her from Linnéa :) 

She’s into the asian culture, thats a start.

She’s not as stubborn. 

Okay i don’t wanna badmouth Linnéa. 

But really, albeit slightly jealous, i am fking elated he heed my advice and went straight for it and kissed her.

That is something i can never accomplish, despite how indecent i look, i am reserve and shy.

I just wish they can and will manage to sustain this r/s. Because she is pretty awesome when i first met her today. She is just so different from the other cacausians. 

Truth to be told, i feel that most of them aren’t really respectful. Don’t get me wrong, they are not rude, but they are just oblivious of their actions. Yes definitely a culture difference, asians are always worried about how others perceive us. its not a matter of high EQ or not, its just different here. in my place when theres a long queue, i would definitely try to order or make myself scarce as soon as possible, like any hiccups that delays the queuing would shame me indefinitely. Over here, people take their time, as if they earned the right through queuing, taking their sweet time to do the times they want to before moving on and out of the queue.

Its not something bad, its just that we feel embarrassed really easily.

Maybe i shoulda just went ahead, i am pretty sure our chemistry was there and being dilly dally is a turn off. I was wrong. I don’t know anymore.

I have stopped trying. And i don’t know what you are trying to pull now. This hot and cold thing really puts me off. Really, if i were to be brutally honest, i think its my way of protecting myself. And that the mind recognises you as a threat and wants to remove you out of the system. So instead of secreting endorphins when i see you(holy fk it sounds damn wrong haha), it starts to, no nothing is happening now.

But really, i just wish lin and her will go far. And really, i am so used to saying and writing negative stuffs that i am oblivious to how and what i really am anymore.

I don’t love, i don’t hate. I will cherish this moment of tranquility. Finally, i am indifferent again~

When i say don’t read too much into it. Please do. Haha

I get tired too. So i’m gonna stop. 

You don’t wanna be THE FOOL the whole time man.

Sure, i have been on the receiving end of someone before as well. But i know humans well. They all give up easily. They stop when people don’t reciprocate. But you have idiots like me, who tries so hard subtly, if that even made any sense.

But you know what, i am gonna stop. Its not that its not worth, i don’t think this body can take shit anymore. Lol. At some point you just gotta stop trying and leave it.

Am i happier now? No. Its always the few same transition phases. Right now, you become devoid of feelings. Wrong, you just can’t experience the different ‘intensity’ of feelings anymore. Life becomes humdrum. Because you don’t wake up or sleep thinking about anything anymore, about her. There’s nothing to look forward to.

Sure i have my schedules packed these weeks. I am actually trying to make myself productive for once, to not only trying to maintain homeostasis and be a waste of resources. 

Its a shame, I have no means to prevent such tragedies from happening. I can only hope that someday, one day, i can really say that i wanna be a single for life, and that i really mean it.

If all this while it was only an infatuation,

i be damned.

I am damned.

I just don’t wanna admit it.

I just don’t want it to be an infatuation.

I want it to be genuine, to be perpetual, to be an everlasting love.

But fk it.

It just isn’t it.

It has lost its spark.

Thats why i’m fked.

It seems one can never deceive themselves. 

Self deception, to me, is the pinnacle of trickery.

Screw it. 

The heart is dead.

I can’t resuscitate it.

Its over.

But i will continue this facade.

To make belief.

I am no player, the heart wants what it wants.

I am no longer ruled by my mind, the heart governs it all.

Thats the truth.

At the very least, let things stay this way. Let none resurrect it. 

Shush and stay where you belong, in my memories. (FFVII, i’m pretty sure i am using the quote wrong but i just wanna use it because Cloud’s final words to Sephiroth was so bad ass)