my house in about an hour’s time. First to Sydney for 5 days then to New Zealand for possibly a year.
I must say that i’m hoping this work and travel would be as fulfilling as my exchange in Sweden but i highly doubt that.
I’m really worried as well because i have yet to confirm any jobs yet. Hopefully things work out for us.
I’ve felt the same trepidation as i did hours before i left Sweden. Its that same apprehension of going into the unknown. At least everything was set before i left for exchange, this work and travel thing is different!
Maybe the fear is actually the unbearable feeling to leave my home, my room, my comfort area. But i’ve been bumming long enough. Gotta get out there and see what the world has to offer.
So, ciao in abit! Hopefully i get wifi in NZ! :)
So I blinked my eye while staring at the streaks of #light across the building and they started looking grainy, not scattered because light scattering is another #phenomenon.
Any who, I reached for my camera and shook violently and it had the same effect. And I thought my eyes were deteriorating from locking myself up in my room 😂
#Random #lights #WhatIsThisPhenomenonCalled #RafflesPlace #PepperoniPizza
Our Six years of relationship was brief but it was intense. It wasn’t a public one either but I really cherished you. So this is for you..
When you left :
Time dilated. I felt weak and my mind went blank. Because I knew our separation wasn’t an amicable one..
As you were leaving :
I bled as I saw you shattered into pieces. Clearly the connection we had was deep.
But I knew we couldn’t carry on living like this. I had to desensitize myself to see you go..
Before you left :
I told him that I’m gonna leave soon and that he shouldn’t take her away from me. We were gonna spend whatever time that’s left of us being together and make the merriest of memories..
But well, screw you too wisdom tooth for being ajar. <3
7 hours after the surgery, it hurts like hell occasionally. So bad with pain tolerance. Had to overdose on painkillers. They claim that swallowing saliva is better than spitting to prevent blood clot from dislodging. Didn’t felt that way though. Even damn time i swallowed the whole bottom jaw moves and i feel the wound moving. Best part? I googled if anyone experienced something similar but to no avail.
I broke into cold sweats time and time again. I just hope it gets better. :’(
I think that dream last night changed my life, or at least, the way i see things.
A little background story FOR myself (I wonder.Sometimes i write as if there’s an audience, sometimes i write only for myself) : Spent the whole night drinking with an equally cynical friend, a good one, and he left me for another place for two hours before coming back. I had more than enough time to muse, and i teared a little, it wasn’t your cosmological/interstellar kinda cogitating over life but.. yea.
I had a dream, many, in fact. There had a similar motif. Everyone in it was cynical. Now probably you have an idea of what i’m saying. No, take it back, you don’t. I’ve lead my life, convinced that everyone in this world is cynical, even down to the smallest of microbe. So you would think that i know a thing or two about cynicism. Why am i even writing this as if i’m writing it for someone. I feel that the effects are wearing off, i hope.
Back to point. That dream had many faces, acquaintances, friends, relatives. Its vague but i clearly recall EVERYONE who was in it, not giving a shit about me. It wasn’t through words they conveyed that to me. It was a look in their eyes. They all had it. And from their eyes i felt it, no words were necessary. I knew what’s going on.
Every word that i mumbled, wanting my feelings and opinions heard, was drowned by “No one cares”. They all had the same look. Being who i was, i went to social media to seek refuge, only to realise NO ONE CARES as well. At that point in time, as i sat in front of my facebook page and wanting to write a status, thoughts of ‘who gives a shit?’ stiffens me. Any likes, comments, are but empty gestures that people don’t mean, even if they do, they don’t care. I feel that i’m using the word ‘care’ a lot. And that people affix and assign a pre cognitive meaning and understanding to words they see, but the ‘care’ in this case would be of genuine concern, genuinely .. idk.. just genuine, you know?
It was then i started to think about my previous posts on FB and IG and that who actually bothers about who or what i am. If no one is concern about me when i’m alive, they shouldn’t be when i’m dead. I was sinking into depression, whilst keeping in mind that i was still dreaming.
All these made me retreated to my phone, i wanted to whatsapp my friends for reassurance. But having been someone who , gosh.. i tell people that i have no friends but they claim my social media says otherwise. I sidetracked, i stared at whatsapp and the conversations i had in one particular group that i’m closed to, yea you can call that its the recency effect, had the same abject fear that freezes me. Why would they wanna hear what i have to say, why would they even care, even if they did, how can they care? Well.. what is it that i wanna say? Honestly at this point it wasn’t concerning what i’ve got to say, i wasn’t worried about being judged by the things i hide, but rather who is really there to listen. It haunts me, deeply.
Last resort, i seek for my mum. Dad wasn’t even in the picture, i believe my sub consciousness is a clear reminder of our relationship. So, my mother, as caring as she may be, is effing selfish at times. I saw her and she walked past my room with that same look that everyone carries.
As i lay waste, almost giving up on life. I have fallen into the abyss and finally got a taste of what its like to be alone. Alone is an understatement. I’m great friends with solitude. One can be alone in a crowd. I’m referring to the feeling when you’re the lone survivor of the planet after an apocalypse and you have nothing to turn to, not even a dog, or an ant, or even a tree you could speak to.
Then i woke up. My mind was in a hurried attempt to rationalise the situation. I was pretty sure i was in the final stage of REM before because the mind couldn’t process it OFF - the genuine fear that whatever i say, think, or do, that no one gives two hoots about it, none. I just couldn’t shake that disturbing feeling, it was as if the mind has chosen to accept that it wasn’t a dream after all.
As i lay on my bed, staring at my wall fan that cools me down yet further dehydrates me at the same time, with a sore tongue and dry throat, i’ve come to realise this.
Even after i woke up, i didn’t. i’m still in it, the dream, that nightmare.
The sudden realisation made me spaced out. Random faces of friends came to mind and i sorta had a telepathic conversation/connection, my mind went into an overdrive and reviewed our friendship in the past, particularly with Sudhee, i wonder why. But feelings were conveyed I was calm on the outside, but i knew somewhere inside of me, he was screaming for help.
But he couldn’t , for fear that whatever he says doesn’t reach anyone. At the moment i felt that all bridge was broken, or it never did exists. I was an island, the only island on the only planet in the only galaxy.
The time spent while i was awake, trying to make sense of things and making sure what i’ve just experienced was nothing but a dream, was the longest moment i’ve felt in a while. Time felt elongated as it stretches and slows down, because i couldn’t and didn’t come out of it like i always do. Today, i tried and failed to run away. For today, i’m still a captive of my own dream, life. Unlike the many other todays where i die a little on the inside,
I can assure you, today, i am finally dead inside.
Here we see Eugene going for a #LowTon
But that’s not me.. its my other friend Eugene..
#Eugenes #Darts #Dartslive #idarts #DoubleBull #Bullseye
I’m ASHAMED that i tell people i’m a movie avid, only to watch the before trilogy now..
I meant, i heard about it, i knew of its existence, but was never a huge fan of Ethan Hawkes until Boyhood.. so i got this the other way round but i’m glad i sat down and watch it.
If you hadn’t caught the show, YOU SHOULD.
Julie Delpy and Ethan were just so natural on set. I can’t even describe how i feel about the show but its so close to heart. It just seems so humble yet surreal. The transient moment the two shared was amazing. I secretly wish that i can meet someone like this as well, though it would have been Ethan in the show because my thoughts were just so in line with Julie’s character Celine.
I couldn’t help smiling throughout the show and the things they do are in fact the things i enjoy as well.
I guess Richard Linklater just got him a new fan as well.
And they should do a forth movie, get Hannah Murray to play Julie’s daughter. THE RESEMBLANCE!! <3