They ruined it! That Matt and cyn. The#kineticRain is my #sanctuary . It calms me.
#Singapore #Airport #zen (at Changi Airport , Singapore ..)
Bastion Soundtrack - Build That Wall (Zia’s Theme)
some of the people on my dash i just assume are their icons bc i’ve never seen their pics so it’s like “oh look gandalf is up late bloggin again”
I usually spell mum with a u. Somehow i’ve the urge is use o instead.
She,well, has breast canceragain.
Its been 12 years since she had mastectomy. I was only 12. It didn’t even felt that long ago. I was having my Primary School Leaving Examinations that time. I knew shit and i didn’t care about shit and i was also shit. I did alright and she did awesome. Her operation went well and she didn’t require chemo.
I was thankful.
12 years later, out of the blue, its back to haunt her again. Except this time there’s a risk that the cancer might have spread and affect the other body parts. We’re gonna get her report tomorrow morning and i’m hoping for the best. Whatever happens, she has to undergo mastectomy for the other breast. We’re just hoping that that cancer didn’t spread.
When she first told me about it over the phone, my heart sank. You gotta know that i’m an unfilial bastard and i hate myself for that. I am not a family person but i’m pretty close to mom. I don’t sit down and eat dinner with my parents and being the only child i pretty much kept everything to myself.
The fact that i’ve just graduated and bumming around at home still afraid of taking my leap of faith to work overseas makes it all worse. I was genuinely scared.
I meant, being an only child sucks. As i grew older, the thought of my parents leaving me alone in this world as they leave for a better place haunts me. I’m nowhere near independent, as much as my parents have no clue what goes through my mind, we are always there for each other, physically, if you understand.
I feel like i love them? But i don’t at the same time. I don’t things like telling them i love them or spending time with them. But if you were to ask me to give up my life for theirs, i would agree so in a heartbeat.
Maybe i’m just selfish, i’m afraid to live in this world alone. I don’t want them to leave me. I’m unfilial, i’m aware. But my parents never knew shyt about me. Who i am, what i am, what i’m capable of, how i am, day in day out. I keep everything to myself. Revealing and exposing yourselves is a weakness. Most importantly i don’t want to burden them with my woes.
Except my parents are entirely different. I don’t see my dad as a fatherly figure. Sure he provides and tries to be all that but i never looked up to him. Shame. And mom is just.. they both hate to be wrong and i feel that i’ve brought and taught myself up rather than learning anything from them. That kinda explains why i feel the way i do towards them.
They often like to pour their worries and troubles to me, not to seek solution but to whine. Maybe that’s why i know it sucks to be weigh down by your loved ones’ sorrow. It feels like shyt, really.
I still behave all happy and encouraging to mom. But on the inside, fuck my insides man, its all fucked up. Just moments ago when she came back from work. I was at the door to receive her. She often calls me over the phone to get supper back but today i’m not in the mood to eat. Lately i could hear the dejectedness in her voice and it breaks my heart. I would keep talking to her to distract and encourage her that its all good. Mastectomy is our best case scenario and that i’m praying the cancer doesn’t spread.
As i hit the shower while still conversing with her and joking about, the thought of how our lives would change tomorrow when the doctor reveals the medical report to us broke me into pieces. She was talking through my bathroom door and i sobbed and wept uncontrollably in the shower, keeping as quiet as possible. I know that if i broke down in front of her, its gonna make her crumple.
I’ve learned to deal with a couple of things. I regained my mental state of mind and continued to converse as if nothing happened. You see, i’m excellent at that, at hiding. Truth is, i read them like a book, but they have no clue whats going on in their son’s mind.
I gotta be strong for her. Age is catching up with her. And i know that breast cancer is the leading type of cancer in women. 1 in 4. I don’t fking believe it. One in four of my girlfriends have it, statically. Freaks the shit out of me.
Though the good thing is that its being thoroughly researched upon, and i know a thing or two about recurring breast cancer. I even invested in a drug that is supposed to prevent that from happening from a certain type of breast cancer. A shame its still in its clinical trails.
I wanna do good for humanity, i wanna save lives. I wanna come up with drugs to cure and to alleviate people’s pain. But all i do is sit around and do shit. What can an engineering degree do for me.
Well, its no longer about me today and for the days to come. I want my mom to be well and she’s pretty strong about going in for just mastectomy and hopefully chemo isn’t required and that nothing else is in the picture.
Mom, i am a selfish son. I don’t want you to leave me. I don’t think i can ever say those three words to your face and i’m not gonna do it here either but that’s just how the way i am. When you asked me will i miss you if you’re gone all i replied was ‘Hell no” jokingly, but deep down.. I guess if someday someone gets to see what my heart its like, they are gonna drown in my pool of emotions. I feel too much.
Come what may, I’ll see you through this.
Ps. If anyone is considering conceiving, please have more than one kid. Please think about them, no every one gets a partner or have someone to bear their burdens. Some people were meant to be alone, but siblings, siblings would totally be a different story.
Write down things that interest you. It does not matter what they are. It matters that they interest you and that you are writing them down. In this way you are participating in the history of literature. Other people will likely not be very interested. Pay them no mind.Lemony Snicket giving advice on writing (via thesnicketfile)